At the Intersection of White and Woman
Being with family often puts me in retrospection and reflection. How all that I have learned about systems, were played out within my family and family structure. At no ones fault, but the ideology and systems that my mother and grandmother and great grandmother were brought into, and ultimately had no choice or other information but to participate.
How as a white woman, the patriarchy was so loudly a part of my experience as a child, and growing up. What it meant to be in relationship. What it meant to be in a family. What it meant to aspire and find purpose in my life and within myself (an extremely sensitive, empathetic, Enneagram 2). What I was “supposed” to do or be.
How we absolutely are “GOOD (white) PEOPLE”, who dare I say, suffered from being a part of the Patriarchy and Whiteness that surrounded them.
In talking with other white people in my life who have language and analysis and understanding of White Supremacy Culture and Whiteness, I can see, that even after all that I know, and wish so much to not play out anymore, The sense of urgency, the perfectionism, the Either/Or thinking still get in my way of living out this life to my fullest.
I ultimately have and will again harm people I love in my life, because of this water I washed in and air I have deeply breathed in of whiteness, I have so deeply internalized.
And I think about all that I have learned from these women in my life. Resilience. Like dandelions. Spreading their love and sacrifice and presence in this world, without a second thought. Making sure my needs were met, and that I knew that I was loved.
And such is both/and. I am both so ultimately grateful for them in my life, and so frustratingly living my life in hopes to reclaim much that was lost along the way, in the name of Patriarchy and Whiteness.
